


How to Survive the Pegasus Galaxy in Five Easy Steps

by chase_acow



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Community: mcshep_match, M/M, five things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-05
Updated: 2007-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-17 18:47:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/180068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chase_acow/pseuds/chase_acow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Too bad our boys were never very good with following directions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Survive the Pegasus Galaxy in Five Easy Steps

_**TEAM ROMANCE: Safe Conduct, "How to Survive the Pegasus Galaxy in Five Easy Steps"**_  
 **Title:** How to Survive the Pegasus Galaxy in Five Easy Steps  
 **Author:** [](http://chase-acow.livejournal.com/profile)[**chase_acow**](http://chase-acow.livejournal.com/) ([interview](http://community.livejournal.com/mcshep_romance/8104.html))  
 **Team:** Romance  
 **Prompt:** Safe Conduct  
 **Pairing(s) :** McKay/Sheppard  
 **Rating:** NC-17  
 **Warnings:** None  
 **Summary:** Too bad our boys were never very good with following directions.

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**

As new personnel were beamed down from the Daedalus they were generally met by either Dr. Weir or Colonel Sheppard and given The Speech.

The official speech took Dr. Weir four minutes and thirty-seven seconds to deliver full of impact and verve. Colonel Sheppard’s record was one minute and fifteen seconds and nine various threats of death. Mostly, those who heard it went away feeling one of three emotions - intense confusion, extreme fear, or complete elation.

It’s not until later when they’ve settled into their rooms and departments that they get another visitor. If civilian, then a Czech scientist comes by muttering under his breath and shoves a handwritten copy at them before wandering away. If they happen to be military, then generally someone of higher rank initiates them into Pegasus living and leaves them with a crumpled handout.

The initial reaction of new personnel to the helpfully titled pamphlet _How to Survive the Pegasus Galaxy in Five Easy Steps_ set up the positioning for the first wave of wagering. Fortunes were made and lost from betting on who would make it and which would be the first to have a total melt down. Coffee and chocolate passed hands on a daily basis through the first month until the newbies settled in or shipped out.

No one really knows who first wrote the leaflet, but several people have their own pet theories.

 _1) Don’t piss off McKay._

“I hope you’re happy now,” John sighed, watching his white breath curl and lift above his head. There had been two seconds of blinding anger followed by the knowledge that he had in fact brought this upon himself.

“Very,” McKay replied, his teeth chattering until he clenched his jaws together. He sulked, crossing his arms across his chest and burying his hands in his armpits. Every few minutes he would do a little hop-step trying to wiggle some more warmth into his body.

John rolled his eyes, continuing his search for a way to open the door. “Only you, McKay,” he said absently raising a hand to rub at his already numbing nose. “Only you would cut off your own nose to spite your face.”

“Oh come on!” Rodney erupted, flinging his hands up in the air. Neither of them were dressed for the dropping temperature inside the abandoned classroom. “It’s not like I meant to get stuck in here with you. I was going to be nice and warm, gloating on the other side.”

All this was presumably because of a flippant comment John made that McKay could stand to pay more attention to his PT. He was going to get angry again later, but first he had to get them out alive and whole. Black was his color, but John didn’t think it’d look very good on his fingers and toes.

He gave up on the door, they had already checked and triple checked the inside of the walls for control crystals, but McKay had done his job too well. There were no windows and the ceiling was too high above them to check for an exit that way. He’d already radioed the control room, but it would take Lorne another half hour to gather the troops and find them.

“This is all your fault!” McKay yelled, his voice echoing through the empty room.

Something in John snapped, he turned and poked his finger into Rodney’s chest. “You are the one with your panties in a twist,” he growled taking another step into Rodney’s space. “You are the one that tricked me into coming down here, and you are the one that screwed over the environmental settings.”

For a split second, a look of fear crossed Rodney’s face before he wiped it away with a sneer. “And whose fault is that?” he asked jutting his chin up and nearly bumping into John’s face. Then he slumped, sliding back and down against the wall, “Of course, I didn’t mean to make it so cold so fast.”

“Uh, huh,” John mumbled turning to put his own back against the wall and sliding down to sit pressed against Rodney’s bulk. “The least you can do is keep me warm until the cavalry comes.”

Rodney tensed, tilting away and pulling his uniform jacket tighter around his midsection. John slapped him on the thigh and shifted his weight so only one buttock was going numb on the freezing floor. There was nothing else in the room they could use to keep themselves warm.

“Fine,” Rodney huffed leaning back the other way and pressing into John’s side. “I’d hate for your skinny ass to be found inside a block of ice.”

“I knew you cared, McKay,” John drawled lazily, rubbing his hands together and blowing into the middle of them. It could be worse, now he could reschedule his meeting with Caldwell until tomorrow and by then something else would probably blow up and he could call it off altogether. Caldwell only wanted to lecture him over his slack adherence to certain uniform regs anyway. “1387.”

“Prime.”

 _2) If you touch something and it glows, vibrates, or begins a conversation – run._

The tube glowed in their hands as soon as McKay’s fingers came in contact with it to try to snatch it back from John’s grip. With a startled yelp, John let go, jumping back and crashing into the lab bench behind him. The tube clattered to the floor where it emitted one last long glow before it fizzled and lay silent.

His arm tingled from his fingers straight to his shoulder and into his chest. The Ancient do-hickey had been in a newly discovered lab that was only now being itemized. John had only come in to remind Rodney they were supposed to play the game, and had picked up the tube absently while he listened to Rodney direct traffic.

“ _Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God,_ ” Rodney babbled his voice pitching toward the higher end of the spectrum. “ _Oh my-_ ”

“Rodney, would you shut,” John yelled, his patience snapping as he turned to glare at Rodney. That was when he realized that Rodney hadn’t opened his mouth once since he’d dropped the tube. “up. _Oh shit._ ”

The other scientists still in the room were whipping their heads between John and Rodney as if at a tennis match. No one was going anywhere near the dropped Ancient artifact and they had yet to say a word.

“‘Oh shit’ is right,” Rodney said staring at John in horror. “ _I am so screwed._ ”

_________________________________________________________

  
“So you can read each other’s minds?” Carson asked again, pulling the suckers of his machine from Rodney’s temples. He wrapped up the wirers and pushed the trolley away, whatever scans he’d taken hadn’t shown them anything.

“ _Two points for the anti-genius,_ ” Rodney thought, rolling his eyes and rubbing at the little red marks that the suction cups left of the skin next to his hairline. “Yes, we’ve told you. If my brain isn’t going to explode from Colonel Vapid sharing my gray matter, then can I go now?”

John couldn’t help but roll his eyes, though he tried very hard to keep his thoughts blank, “ _Love you too, Rodney._ ”

Rodney sputtered and hopped off the bed making it to and out the door before Carson could stop him. John got up to follow Rodney out, but Carson put out a hand across the doorway to stop him. “Just a moment there Laddie,” Carson said gently pushing John back in the direction of the bed. “Now we can see if distance affects the connection at all.”

Rubbing his head, John tried to ignore the low rumbling in the back of his mind and wondered if the headache he felt coming on was his or Rodney’s.

_________________________________________________________

  
“ _We getting any closer to solitude?_ ” John asked walking up to stand behind Rodney’s shoulder. They were alone in the same lab they found the device in because it was much too late at night to still be conscious.

Somehow they had made it through two days of living in each others’ back pocket, without killing each other. They had been banned from most public activities though after they got caught pranking Kavanagh in front of the delegation from MK8-381.

Rodney didn’t bother to turn around or straighten from the hunched position he’d acquired over his work station. “No,” he said, reaching out and grabbing a tool at random and brandishing it at the tube. “No, and use your voice - and don’t say ‘we’. I am not yet, and nor shall I ever be a permanent resident of your brain. Such as it is.”

“Like you should complain,” John said, though it had been cool for awhile living in Rodney’s brain while the scientist went about trying to solve their problem. The math had whirled around John’s brain like Sesame Street on acid, but he’d understood the equations like never before. “I’ve been meaning to ask you to cut it out about Carter.”

A sharp clatter drew John’s attention to the table where Rodney had dropped his tool. Even more images of Samantha Carter flashed through his brain before Rodney got himself under control.

John flinched, but slid up to sit on the lab table in front of Rodney sitting with one leg cocked so that his foot could swing freely. “Geeze, Rodney,” John said, rolling his shoulder and cranking his neck from side to side. “You’ve got to be like the horniest guy I know. I can’t even jerk off without seeing Carter bent over some gizmo.”

Rodney looked up with his mouth open and flushed, “ _Crotch._ ”

“What?” John asked shaking his head to clear the mental yelp Rodney had sent his way. It was too easy to get lost in whatever they sent each other; jumbled in a general blur of sight and sound that seldom made much sense.

“N-nothing,” Rodney said, glancing up at John, his eyes standing out blue against the pink tinge of his cheeks. “I think I’m on to something here. It’ll just take us a few more hours and we should be able to reverse the charge.”

“Can’t wait,” John muttered, leaning back to rest his weight on his hands. It’d be nice to know that his dreams were his own again, dark and sensual like he’d never had before. Being inside Rodney had its perks, but-

John had to slap Rodney hard across the back before he would stop coughing.

 _3) Transformations are no big deal. Do Not Panic._

“Stop being such a –”

“A _what_?” Rodney snarled pushing back against the door of his bathroom, locking his knees and trying to find something to brace himself… herself… trying to find something to brace against. The door bounced a few inches open as Sheppard undoubtedly rammed his shoulder into the metal making Rodney’s feet shuffle on the floor.

“I swear to God, Rodney, if you don’t open this door by the time I count to three,” John yelled, over what was probably his fist banging against the door, “then you are going to be so very sorry!”

“Last time I checked, you still were not my mother,” Rodney replied, sparing a second to glance at the mirror and the startled expression on his unfamiliar face. His eyes were much wider than before or maybe it was just the longer eyelashes framing them.

“One.”

His mouth didn’t look that different unhappily down turned, though maybe his lips were a bit fuller. His hair was growing much too fast, it was already flirting with his shoulder line. In a matter of hours it would be down to his back. It was incredibly irritating, curling on its own and refusing to stay pushed behind his ears.

“Two!”

It was his body where the most extensive changes had been rendered, everything was different. It was _wrong_. His hips were wider, his center of gravity off and none of his uniform pants fit anymore. There were two plump mounds on his chest, and he missed his dick. _He really missed his dick._

“Two and a half, Rodney!” John yelled, his voice thin through the door. “Open the damn door!”

Only in the Pegasus galaxy could a person go to bed one gender and wake up the other. Rodney had managed to stay secluded through the morning working on the problem before John had demanded to know why Rodney cancelled their away mission.

Rodney quickly moved away from the door just as John made one last lunge and the door crashed open and John spilled down onto the floor.

“Three,” John said weakly, groaning and rolling onto his back. His face was gritted in pain and he shifted so he could rub at his right shoulder.

Rolling his eyes, Rodney carefully crossed his arms underneath his fluffy new toys and glared at John. He sniffed, turning his back as he realized John could see him, _all of him_. “How very manly of you,” he hissed, glancing over his shoulder. “Well, I’m fine, you can go now.”

“Oh, I don’t think so McKay,” John said from the floor, scooting back to put his back up against the counter. He lifted his face to look at Rodney while still holding his shoulder. “What the hell is going on?”

“I’m a girl,” Rodney snapped spinning and gestured angrily at his chest, “can’t you tell?”

John sighed, heaving himself up with one hand on the sink, “Gee, no. Who could tell? You’ve had PMS since I first met you.”

“I hate you so much right now,” Rodney said muffling his voice as he buried his face in his hands. He was almost certain that the mood swings were new even if his craving for chocolate wasn’t. All he needed was a couple of days and he would figure out how to change back.

He heard John move before the soft touch came on his arm, a hand gently squeezing and running down to cup Rodney’s elbow. He tried to suppress a shiver at the contact, forcefully throttling down the emotion that surged up to choke off his airway.

“Hey, it’ll be all right,” John said exerting just enough pressure to nudge Rodney around to face him. His eyes were serious and warm at the same time, and definitely too close. “You’ll figure this out, and be back to your old y-chromosome self.”

Rodney huffed a breath, somewhere between a sob and a giggle, and for one heart stopping moment leaned into John’s chest. “You’re not funny,” he said pulling away and wiping at his only slightly moist eyes.

John smiled, winking and slugging Rodney easily on the shoulder, “C’mon suck it up, McKay. It’s not like you’re an ugly chick or anything.”

Within a few hours, Rodney reverted back naturally, but John’s bruise lasted much longer.

 _4) Be careful what you eat on away missions._

“As much as I appreciate the attention,” Rodney said struggling to avoid the hands trying to drag him down to the mats on the floor. He had to jump on his toes from each clear bit of floor to the next, holding his arms above his head doing a horrible impression of ballet, “I’m going to have to decline.”

The moaning was coming from all around him like an interactive porno movie from hell. It should have been hot, he’d always imagined orgies, but they’d always seemed less … icky in his fantasies.

The smorgasbord had started right after the feast was over, the torches dying down in their wall brackets to a soft glow as bodies began to fall, twining together and losing all sense of inhibition. Ronon and Teyla were among the first to go down locked at the lips and pushed together from neck to knee. Soon clothing was a thing of the past and it was “all-you-could-eat”.

Except for Rodney. He backed away, right into two men locked in a passionate embrace playing tonsil hockey with each other. He stared with his jaw dropped as they pulled and pushed at one another until the darker man dropped to his knees and pushed his face against the other man’s crotch.

He was so startled, he didn’t realize until too late someone coming up behind him wrapping an arm around his chest. Rodney squeaked and without thinking bent and tugged the way the Major had taught him to react to an attack from behind. The body slid and hit the floor hard in front of Rodney.

“Rodney!” John yelled from the corridor waving Rodney toward him. “This way! Come to me!”

Panting, Rodney jerked around and saw John’s silhouette outlined in the light from the hallway. Hope surged through him and he swiftly dodged around groups of horny revelers to make it to the corridor, John and safety. Their gear was lost, stacked up against the far side of the Hall of Sexual Revelation, and there was no way Rodney was going back for it.

He hit the hallway in a stumble and found it empty except for the two of them. John grabbed his hand and took off, sprinting to the left and dragging Rodney along in his wake. He ducked into an open alcove just off the main path and pulled Rodney in after him.

“Sheppard, did you see that?” Rodney asked excitedly turning back to the hallway and peeking around the corner to make sure that they weren’t followed. “Did you see what I did to that guy?”

“Yeah, I saw. Good job, Rodney,” John said softly moving silently to stand behind Rodney and resting his hands on Rodney’s shoulder blades. “You deserve something special for coming through like that.”

Rodney let his head slide forward to thump against the adobe brick of the temple interior as his heart rate kicked into its highest gear. “Why does this always happen to me?” Rodney asked the universe at large, closing his eyes as John wrapped his arms around Rodney’s waist.

John rubbed his cheek against the nape of Rodney’s neck soothing the scratches of his stubble with his tongue and soft brushes of his lips. He sighed, grabbing Rodney’s hips and shifting closer to Rodney grinding his crotch against Rodney’s ass. Rodney let out a groan and couldn’t help letting his neck fall to the side to give John better access.

“Want you,” John murmured in Rodney’s ear, his breath whispering across sensitive skin. “Wanted you, just didn’t know how to say it.”

Ice water poured through his veins, though his burgeoning erection failed to receive the memo and took a greater interest in John’s wandering hands. He panicked and started struggling to break John’s hold on him. “Wait,” he gasped trying to ignore the hardness rubbing against him. “Stop, this isn’t right.”

“It is right,” John said, reaching down to cup his palm over Rodney’s groin, rocking them together as he continued, “It’s all right. I’m going to make you feel so good.”

Rodney managed to twist himself around, but that was no better because now he was pressed just as tightly and within kissing distance. John’s tongue wouldn’t take no for an answer, shoving into Rodney’s mouth. They both moaned at the contact, tilting their heads and shoving their chests together.

Turning his head to the side, Rodney managed to break the kiss and found himself with his nose pressed against John’s throat. He could hear and feel a low rumble through John’s chest as though he were purring with pleasure. John’s hands scrabbled at Rodney’s back pulling up on the shirt and trying to push down into the back of his pants.

For a moment, he was torn, it would be so easy to let John go and have what he’d wanted for so long. A hot hand on the bare skin of his buttock brought him up short. John squeezed hard and let out a low moan.

“John,” Rodney gasped, jerking forward and using his hands to turn John’s head to his for another kiss. He pulled back, but stayed close enough that they were breathing each other’s air. “Believe me; this is going to hurt me just as much as you.”

“What?” John asked shifting back to smile lazily down at Rodney. He brought his other hand up and smoothed his fingers along Rodney’s eyebrow and down his cheek.

Before he could change his mind, Rodney jerked his knee up slamming into the softest part of John’s body. John doubled over; clutching his groin and Rodney’s balls ached with sympathy pain. He stumbled away, almost tripping in his haste to back pedal.  
“Rodney?” John gaped, dropping to his knees and looking up at Rodney.

Deciding digression was the better part of valor; Rodney turned to run and didn’t stop until he reached the Stargate. He spared a moment to admire the irony of John being right about his PT schedule and then dialed Atlantis. Later they found out there was a powerful aphrodisiac in the ritual citrus fruit that everyone but Rodney had eaten. Rodney had never been more irritated at his allergies before.

  
 _5) When McKay and Sheppard are feuding- duck and cover._

  
Yet another explosion echoed through the control tower, turning heads and causing snickers. Elizabeth threw down the folder she was holding on Chuck's console and marched to the railing. "Rodney McKay!" she yelled, griping the top handrail like she wished it was Rodney's neck. "If Sheppard doesn't kill you first, then I will!"

A group of marines snickered again and cut their eyes to the side where a series of soft bangs sounded from underneath a terminal. A few moments later a man in khaki made a run for it out the door and to the transporter to emerge a tower away.

Rodney checked left and right before he dashed into the hallway and around the curve of the tower. A hand shot out of a supply closet and dragged him inside. He spun around and a hand covered his mouth while a body braced him against the door.

A thrill raced down his spine and pooled in his belly as he wrapped his hands around the slender waist in front of him. The hand on his mouth disappeared only to be replaced by a hot mouth pushing his open with a tongue. Rodney sighed and tilted his head for a better angle gasping for breath when they separated for no more than a second or two.

"Hey," John said as he leaned away and began pulling Rodney's shirt out of his pants. He yanked it up over Rodney's head and ducked back down to nip at Rodney's exposed collar bone. "You think they're still buying it?"

Rodney buried his hands in John's hair and tugged on it bringing John's head back up to kissing level. After four months, he still didn't think he'd ever get tired of kissing John. He'd been surprised when John had showed up at his door and downright bashfully asked if he could come in. He'd probably never live down the fact that he wanted to go to the infirmary and get John checked out rather than making out.

After a few minutes he tugged again, curling his fingers into John's gelled hair until John pulled back. "Yeah," he said and flinched as another harmless bang went off in the distance, "but I think we may have over done it this time."

Again, John pulled back, the flickering light washing his face in a wave of dark bruises that moved across his flesh as he tilted his head. He grinned again, skating his hands down Rodney's sides and onto the small of his back pulling them tightly together. As much as he avoided contact in public, in private John wasn't happy unless he had at least one hand on part of Rodney's anatomy.

"So, Operation No-We're-Not-Sleeping-Together is still a rousing success," John said sliding his hands down to flick open the buttons on Rodney's fly. He sank down Rodney's body to land on his knees and shouldered Rodney's legs further apart. He mouthed up Rodney's inner thigh, breathing wetly through the thin material.

"Yeah, but I think Elizabeth is going to murder me," he said, tracing over John's ears and down to clutch John's shoulders as John finally released his cock from his boxers and licked up from the bottom.

Biting his bottom lip, Rodney shifted to adjust himself and lifted a hand to rub his thumb hard over his right nipple. John grinned up at him, stroking his hand up and down. "I'll protect you," he promised and formed a tight ring with his mouth to swallow Rodney's hardening cock in one go.

"You'd better," Rodney groaned skimming his fingers over John's cheek until he could feel where they were connected. He swallowed down his whimper and traced John's mouth feeling the transfer of moisture and heat Never in his … well _maybe_ his wildest dreams had he imagined John Sheppard down on his knees.

John swallowed repeatedly, concentrating of the head of Rodney's cock and wrapping his hands around Rodney's balls. He slipped a finger back to rub the sensitive skin behind them, and then brought it back to his mouth, moving Rodney's hand aside so he could suck his own finger wet.

The uniform pants dug into his thighs as Rodney tried to shove them further down allowing John more access. Unfortunately, John pulled away with one last lick, sitting back on his heels and wiping his mouth. "Wait, what are you doing?" Rodney whined reaching to grab John's head again. "I liked that."

John ducked away, gracefully regaining his feet and somehow keeping a straight face even though the crinkles next to his eyes gave him away. "I think we should take this to my room," he said pulling Rodney's boxers back into place and avoiding any unnecessary contact no matter how Rodney twisted. "There's more room for me to defend you."

"Defend? More room?" Rodney asked breathlessly even though he knew in the state he was in the ability to string the words into a more coherent sentence was far past.

"Yes," John said slowly palming Rodney's neck and looking him in the eyes, "from Elizabeth."

"Elizabeth?" Rodney repeated and then shook his head to clear it, buttoning up his own pants but slipping a leg in between John's just for a moment to rub against the hardness he found there. "Yes, well, it is the last place she'd look for me."

Grinning, John grabbed his hand and pulled Rodney's arm against his chest, lacing their fingers together. He pulled out a lifesign detector with his other hand and checked the hallway for personnel. Finding it empty, he led them into the corridor and toward some well deserved peace and semi-quiet.

**

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